about being faithful, feeling unworthy, and struggling to start this blog

The hard thing is this.

All the things from the past don't feel so much like the past.
Like stubborn stains, I feel they are still a part of me.
I am embarrassed of who I tried to be. A bit too, there is shame.
Though I know, shame is a forbidden word, I fight it every day.

I feel all the things I used to do and think and feel, creeping up, 
trying to get to me, here, now.
And I question what is the difference between the me, here, now
and the me that was there.

I think I saw past it for a moment, but fear still tries to hold me.
and some days, I let it.

I think I get so close to being
there
and then, something will cause me to doubt or be afraid or be ashamed.

I look at everything I've written 
and before I can even begin to share it,
I am afraid that it will
make no sense or no one will get it.
That it will make no difference to be there or not.
That to share this,
these pages,
is to open up my heart, my mouth, my everything in a way I never have before.
And that
seems much too much for me to do.

And then,
I tell myself I was made for this
writing is what I was born to do
that if I did nothing else but this, it would be enough.
And now, when I'm prepped to share my truest thoughts,
it seems 
I have nothing worth sharing.