Every now and then, I think gosh, there is something terribly wrong with my brain. I feel nothing like myself. Which is cliche I guess. And maybe even a bit untrue. All the things I used to dream about, all the things I used to think, all the things I ever wanted, ever loved, ever hated, ever believed feel a million miles away. And then, one day, I’ll wake up and I won’t feel this way. And I will feel dumb for ever feeling this way. But when I am here, everything is gray and I am a bit paralyzed. It is hard to get myself to think of anything else. I guess I could be grateful that I live in a time where it is so easy to distract yourself from your mind. Though, surely this is not helpful. But it makes me forget that I am tired of living and thinking. And maybe, just for a little while, the distraction isn’t so bad. 

People praise therapy. Say it helps so much. But I’ve tried it.

I went to a free therapy session on my college campus. Maybe this is an inaccurate representation. It made me feel nothing but dumb for going there. Somehow, in that office everything I ever felt felt small. And not in the way you would hope for. Somehow I felt small and unseen, unheard. Maybe it’s because I never say what I mean. How do I explain that even though you can provide a simple solution to this thing on my mind, that it feels like this heavy weight, this gripping tightness. 

Maybe it’s because there has been no real trauma in my life. Maybe because it’s all in my head,  there is no real reason for me to feel this way. I KNOW THAT. There is no real reason. But still, without my wanting, I find myself here again and again. 

Faith mocks me in a place like this. How can I use the very thing that is broken? How can I hope when it’s my hope that is waning? How can I pray when my it’s my thoughts that are muddled? How can I believe when the only thing that seems to be on my mind— is life worth living? 

You feel guilty for everything. For wanting the things you do want because they are not what you should want. You spiral and you spiral and you’ve been here before but you have learned little to nothing.

If anything, you have learned that this cannot last. You have hit the low and you have seen the other side. So you’re asking, what can you do here? What can you do??? Even though it’s hard to believe. Maybe there is a piece of you that believes rest will come like a breath of fresh wind. That there is Someone outside of you, no, who has made His home inside of you, that wants you—to live.

JG