waiting on the Lord is (sometimes)

22 and never in love

I’m not a fool to think that it can’t still happen
not a fool to think that it’s guaranteed 
just a twenty year old with burning passion
wanting to come to a place 
of rest

waiting is 
not knowing what I want or need
it’s fighting flesh
and coming up empty
this flesh
that makes a fool of me

what I feel I can’t escape
all the things I think I need
all the truths I know You say
that feel foreign to this body

waiting to receive or waiting 
to be changed
I guess it’s all somewhat the same

if I stop hoping now
it aches

if I start hoping now
it’s doubt

if I should quit to think 
of it at all
I can’t tell

what I know is my desire
and what Your Word has said
and they don’t feel quite the same
will I lose the shame
the doubt
enough to see it plainly

what You are doing
why I am waiting

so,
even if I’m waiting
and there is no evidence at the end
I’ll count the wait as kindness
and will my heart to pray—

Lord, teach me where to fix my eyes
how not to ache for what is not
how to hold what is
to be content 
with this lot.

JG