September 15th

Every morning, I wake and I either have to will myself—sometimes through tears—to get up out of bed and off to work. I’ve never been so late to anything on more than one occasion in my life. Or I wake up and try to comfort myself with cartoons or silly videos. This, I know, is not what anyone would expect from a proper disciple. 

I hung my degrees on the wall so I could be reminded of where I’ve been, what I’ve learned, and who I could be. They still laugh at me when I wake to see them staring straight at me. I feel nothing like myself and I do hardly anything I am proud of. 

Though I know it doesn’t matter if I am proud of this, I think I wish I were. I have nothing to show for and maybe that is why I feel so heavy inside. 

I thought I could blame this feeling on hormones, but they rise and they fall, and no matter what, it seems I am always falling. 

My friend shared with me a heavy thing, and I wish I believed enough to pray for her an earnest prayer. But my faith is slipping from my hands, and I’m not sure if the Lord hears a weak and feeble prayer. 

This season I am overrun with anxiety and fickle attempts to keep myself from going under. Never would I give up, but it all seems so grim right now. 

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I’m sorry for the heavy post, but I can only really write what I truly mean to say. And I don’t have much else to say. I know that I know that I know that the curtains will be pulled back, but if faith can be the size of a mustard seed, then this is faith for me. Yes, it is kind of heavy, but even in this, I think I believe, that Yes, indeed, the Lord hears every weak and feeble whisper that we breathe.

JG